I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
