Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
