Already got asked if we're dating
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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