I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
