Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
