How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
i think im in europe. pls send help
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
