i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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