Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
