I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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