bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
