happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
