i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
