i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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