Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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