i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize