based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
