okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
