I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
