she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He has the fingertips of a God
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
