i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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