last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
