everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
