She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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