can u get pink eye on your cock?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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