Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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