Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize