we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
