Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
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