Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
