Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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