Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
tell me about the fingering
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