You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
