I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
