I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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