i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize