So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
