Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
