I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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