Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
