i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
