You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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