I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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