I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I forget how to act sober
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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