you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
