I just pynch a tree in the face
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
