I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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