wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
