i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
