youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my phone needs a breathalizer
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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