I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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