Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
