some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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