everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
