shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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