at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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