you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize