I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
