The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
