I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize