WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
