Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you had me at cake vodka
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize