my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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