I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
