U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize